When it comes down to it, I think it was the absence of a personal contract between myself and the old yogi that made talking about my body so uncomfortable. It was a really unbounded interaction to begin with — it took place on the street between two vulnerable strangers with all kinds of intersecting lines of privilege and oppression going on. I’m beginning to realize that the absence of a personal contract is what makes so many interactions between strangers problematic. You see it on the Internet all the time — people breaking one another’s boundaries because there is nothing in place to hold the interaction within agreed-upon parameters. The only agreement about boundaries seems to be that there is no agreement.

One of the reasons that I left the interaction feeling upset rather than angry is that I saw that the old yogi really was trying to make an offering to me. That was very clear, and I really, really want to honor that. It’s critical that people who have next to nothing know that they have something to give; I think that there is a kind of despair in people who don’t feel that they can contribute, especially in a culture in which getting and spending are the primary ways in which people think they can make a contribution to the world. So I get that. It’s just that the route he took toward making an offering went straight through my body and all kinds of able-bodied and gender privilege. It’s worth looking at those things because they all work together to keep us stuck in place. Using one form of oppression to get out from under another form of oppression isn’t a long-term solution — though I can understand why it was a short-term solution for the old yogi, who clearly is laboring under greater burdens than I am.

I wanted to leave a comment here yesterday but I didn’t want to seem argumentative or insensitive. I respect whatever reasons others have for their feelings. It’s fine.

I have to remind myself that most people are well intentioned. Here’s a real life example: I am “poor” by American standards. Some years ago, I decided to get a cat. A woman I know, who is a bit younger than me, called me on the phone and asked me if I knew how much money it cost to keep a pet cat. She was concerned that I might not be able to afford it. That call, which I found infuriating and almost degrading (I mean, of course I know the ramifications of having a pet! I’m in my fifties!) was made out of concern for my welfare. Did I just say, “Thanks for telling me that!” No. I didn’t thank her. I somewhat impolitely chided her for thinking that having a cat wasn’t worth whatever expense it would incur and that she hadn’t thought I might have had a pet in the past/and/or thought it, through (etc. etc.) . . .

This woman, like many women I know, chronically “mother” other women. It’s an offering. Misplaced, perhaps. I believe that the man you gave money to wanted to give you something in return. Can you imagine being a homeless man? He can’t get into your head nor you into his (and I’m not alluding to anything “autistic” here).

I used to use a cane myself. I was 18 when I used it. It was necessary. It actually did make my hip problem worse after about a year. Will this be your experience? I have no idea. I might, in conversation, tell you about my experience because I’d think it could be helpful to you. You might not want to hear it. Or you might.

Another example: I had some surgery that turned out to be unnecessary. In this case, it was considered impolite to talk about in public. No one said anything to me about it. When I found out that a few people I know had the same surgery at the same hospital and had similar experiences, I wished someone had said something to me. Maybe I would have been annoyed. I don’t know. Hindsight is 20/20.

Maybe I’m not “getting” your post. It hit some nerve in me. In some cases, I know for sure that I’ve felt that people could actually help each other more if we were more open about our health issues. I know that what works/doesn’t work for me is totally different than for others, but what if it isn’t?

These are questions of community and communication and I think they are huge. There’s no one right answer that fits all.

I’m glad that you brought it up, though!

Even the folks who disagree with us now recognize what a “sex object” is: the assumption that our genitals are worth more than any other part of us, and the highest best use of our bodies is prone.

I’m thinking we need to establish a similarly well-understood critique of the “help object”: that people with disabilities don’t exist to be helped, we don’t need to be interrogated about our help requirements, we can even provide help in many cases (as you did today).

great article, on all points.

the other aspect is one of charity– who gets to give it and who gets to receive it. it is an affront to receive charity from a person with a dis-ability, especially a woman with a dis-ability. it’s an affront for pwds (people w dis-abilities) to have any agency, place, space, acumen, authority, leadership, skill or information.

pwods (people w/o a dis-ability), feel entitled to do for us, not with us, and certainly not from us.that is the hierarchy.

in giving you advice, he was putting you in your place. it was an offense that you had a resource for HIM, and he was establishing himself in the supremacy hierarchy.