Disability and Representation

Changing the Cultural Conversation

More from the Land of Microaggressions, in Which I Claim My Space and Lose My Silence

Earlier today, I was doing a bit of food shopping at the local market. There was quite a wait in the checkout line and I was very tired.

There was a woman in front of me who had a six-pack of soda and two bottles of water. She had her items on the conveyer belt in such a way that there was space in front of her groceries; in other words, she hadn’t moved them to the front, and there wasn’t enough room for all of my groceries or for anyone else’s groceries on the conveyer belt. There were people behind me who were waiting to put their stuff on the belt, and she was completely oblivious to everyone and their need to use the space.

I like to get my items out of my cart all at once if I can, because going back and forth from the cart to the conveyer belt inflames some of my vestibular issues and can make me a bit dizzy. I was also quite tired from standing for so long, and I was anxious to get my stuff on the belt so that I could just hang onto the shopping cart.  So I gently pushed the divider against her things to move them up a bit (as people often do in these situations) and in so doing, I accidentally knocked over a couple of her soda cans.

I was a bit embarrassed, and I apologized for knocking over the cans. She looked at me like I’d just committed some sort of crime. She didn’t accept my apology and she didn’t say a word.

I thought, “Okay, whatever,” and I figured we were done.

A full two minutes later, after she had paid for her groceries, she turned around and got in my face and said, “You know, it wasn’t necessary to touch my stuff like that. That was really wrong. Don’t ever do that again.”

It was as though she’d just come out of a self-assertiveness class and decided to practice on me. Bear in mind that I’d already seen my mistake AND APOLOGIZED.

I really wouldn’t have minded if she’d said, “You know, I have a hard time with people touching my stuff. Could you not do that?” I would have said, “Yeah, I hear you. My apologies.”

I really wouldn’t have minded if she’d said, “Next time, could you ask?” I would have said, “I’ll do my best. I have trouble with my hearing and it’s hard for me to talk in situations like this.”

But when people start using the pronoun You instead of I, and start telling me what is Necessary, and get otherwise self-righteous and in my face — I really can’t tolerate that crap.

She didn’t have an ounce of consideration for the people behind her and what their needs might be.

It didn’t occur to her that perhaps I had been waiting for several minutes for her to wake up to the presence of other people.

She had made a decision about what was Necessary and Not Necessary, when she had no clue about the state of my body and what was necessary FOR ME.

She didn’t know that my auditory processing issues makes it difficult for me to initiate conversations with anyone in a sound-rich environment. She didn’t know that I instinctively take the path of least resistance and do not talk in a situation like that because it is painful and exhausting. She didn’t know that my vestibular issues make it very difficult for me to move things back and forth. She didn’t know that my hip was hurting and I just wanted to get my stuff out of the basket so that I could hang onto it.

But she made a decision about what was Necessary, as though it were some sort of objective fact, as though what is Necessary for one person is Necessary for everyone else. She didn’t stop to think that maybe she didn’t know the first thing about me and shouldn’t be telling me what’s what. It didn’t even occur to her.

THAT’S privilege, folks. She became the authority on what was Right and Necessary in that situation without stopping to consider that other people might be having a whole other experience of the world.

For once, words did not fail me. I was pissed, and somehow, being pissed help me break through my shyness, my exhaustion, my resistance, and my general shock. I said in a very loud voice, and it took all the energy I could muster:

“Excuse me, but YOU could have been paying attention to where YOUR things were on the conveyer belt and moved them for MY convenience.”

Of course, she ignored me, turned her back as I was talking, and walked away. And no one else said a word. I was shaking with anger and embarrassment. I hate confronting people in public like that, particularly strangers. But I’m getting really, really sick of people assuming that their experience is just like everyone else’s. I’m sick of people assuming that everyone is able-bodied, that everyone can talk on demand, that everyone can move things without getting dizzy, that everyone can stand up without holding onto something, and that everyone somehow owes them space and consideration and they don’t owe anyone a goddamned thing. I’m sick of the ignorance, of the privilege, and of the utter lack of empathetic imagination.

And most of all, I’m sick of people getting in my face over nonsense like who gets to go through a door first or their soda cans falling over — like a goddamned soda can falling over is more important than the fact that I don’t fall over.

So I held my space. And I came home shaking. But I did it. It was a small thing, but it was also huge.

© 2013 by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg

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  1. 7/14/2013 | 6:21 pm Permalink

    It’s so difficult confronting people, especially wackos. I would be shaking too. It reminds me of a really peculiar problem I’ve been experiencing over the past few years: I have always been a shy, retreating sort of person. I was apologetic and often painfully polite. Then part of my personality suddenly changed. I became aggressive, rude, angry and volatile. It’s almost as if all the hurt feelings and anger I suppressed all my life started manifesting itself without warning. I also started having other strange symptoms such as severe memory loss and paranoia. I mean, I would never harm a soul but this is kind of scary. It scares me as much as the person on the receiving end. I thought maybe I had a stroke at some point. This is another reason to further isolate myself and avoid contact with other people. Anyway, I apologize for going off-topic. This is your post, about you… not me.

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    • 7/14/2013 | 7:23 pm Permalink

      Rob, that sounds so painful. I knew someone some years ago who went through something similar; it was a bad medication reaction. I hope you can find the cause of this sudden change. It sounds like something physically shifted in your body for the change to be so drastic.

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  2. 7/14/2013 | 6:31 pm Permalink

    NOT AN HOUR AGO I HAD A REAL SIMILAR SITUATION. I HAD A CASE OF WATER BALANCING ON THE TOP OF MY CART, CAUSE OF MY BACK I CAN’T PICK IT UP FROM IN THE CART. I WAS WAITING AT THE CHECK OUT COUNTER AND THE PERSON IN FRONT OF ME SET HER ALREADY BAGGED GROCERIES BACK ON THE COUNTER WHILE SHE ARGUED WITH THE CASHER OVER AN EXPIRED COUPON. BECAUSE THE WATERS STARTED SLIDING OFF THE CART I MOVED THEM TO THE COUNTER BEHIND HER BAG. SHE TURNED AROUND AND STARTED TELLING ME THAT I NEEDED TO BE PATIENT AND QUITE RUSHING HER. I TRIED NICELY EXPLAIN THAT I WASN’T RUSHING HER BUT TRYING TO KEEP THE WATERS FROM FALLING OFF THE CART. SHE WAS LIKE YA WHAT EVER THEN TOLD THE CLERK SHE WANTED HER MONEY ON THE ITEM BECAUSE THEY WOULDN’T EXCEPT HER EXPIRED COUPON. AS SHE WAS HANDED BACK HER MONEY SHE TOLD THE CLERK I NEED TO STAND HERE AND PUT MY MONEY AWAY I NEVER LEAVE THE COUNTER UNTIL THAT’S DONE NO MATTER WHO IS RUSHING ME.I CAN’T AFFORD TO LOOSE IT. AS SHE WAS WALKING AWAY I TOLD THE YOUNG MAN BEHIND ME WITH ONLY TWO ITEMS HE COULD GO FIRST BECAUSE I DINT MIND WAITING AS I STILL HAD A CART OF GROCERY’S TO UNLOAD. BY THAT POINT THE WOMAN HAD MADE IT HALF WAY TO THE DOOR AND TURNED BACK AROUND AND SAID “WELL I WASN’T TALKING ABOUT YOU.” I JUST SMILED AT HER AND TOLD HER IT WAS ALRIGHT I FORGAVE HER ANY WAY.

    IT’S HARD SOME TIMES ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR IN PAIN TO BE CONSIDERATE OF OTHERS AND I THINK ITS EVEN HARDER AT TIMES LIKE THAT TO HAVE EMPATHY, BUT WE ARE ALL HUMAN, NONE OF US CAN BEHAVE 100% CORRECTLY ALL THE TIME. I’VE FOUND THAT BY TELLING OTHERS I FORGIVE THEM LATER I DON’T BEAT MY SELF UP AS MUCH WITH THE I SHOULD HAVE SAID…. OR I SHOULD HAVE RESPONDED BY ….. I THINK WHAT I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS IS DON’T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF ABOUT THE TIMES YOU DON’T SPEEK UP.

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  3. 7/14/2013 | 9:43 pm Permalink

    You illustrate in your story at the check-out what privilege is. It is very hard to recognize it when you have it. Thank you for sharing.

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